To My Darling Daughter,
How do I do it? How do I say goodbye to you each and every morning? How do I leave you for an entire day every day of the week? How do I tell you to have fun knowing that I am going to miss out on so much while I am gone? How do I look into your blue eyes and not tell you how much I am going to miss you all day long? Or how I know our time together as just the two of us is now going to be soo different? How do I lie to you and tell you how much fun school is going to be and how many "friends" you are going to make when I don't know that to be true? How do I entrust others with your care, to love you and hold you and be such an integral part of your life when I am not with you? I don't know the answer to that.
For the past 6 months I have ignored the feeling of dread. I have stuck my head in the sand and prayed that this day wouldn't come. Even in the past few weeks when I have tried to fit so much into our days trying to lock away the memories to get me through the next year, I have pretended that it wasn't happening. Unfortunately, tonight I had to sit down and fill out your paperwork for daycare. I was doing just fine until I got to question #4. "Tell us some special things about your child so that we can better care for her." I lost it then. I didn't know what to write. Do I tell them that you are shy at first, a real observer until you get comfortable. That you only like to play with kids when you know their names? That you always want your blanket when you are unsure of things or sad? That you hold your head down and walk away when your feelings are hurt or you are embarrassed? That you don't like bandaids, they are pirate patches? That you would rather watch everyone else eat rather than eat yourself? That you like to drink juice out of a certain cup and chocolate milk out of another? That you put yourself in time out? Or do they want to know that you like to poop before you take a nap? That you love to wash your hands? That you won't eat vegetables under any circumstance? or that you LOVE to wipe your table down with clorox wipes after you eat? Do they want to know how much you like to swing? or that playing with sticks for you is such a joy? or that you would rather play pirate than princess, but still love to wear lots of jewelry? I was frozen. I literally didn't know what to put down. I broke down crying knowing, feeling that I was letting you down. I am shipping you off to grow up without me during the day. No, I am not being melodramatic. Here is the deal.
I know that starting this week, you are starting your own journey that doesn't include me. That is selfish, I know. I mean you aren't going off to college, but you are going off. You are going to have all sorts of new experiences that no longer include me. You will fill me in the best you can, but let's face it...you aren't even two. And even with your expansive vocabulary, you often make up some doozies of stories. For the past two years I have been with you for most experiences. I have been soooo lucky to have been there for many of your firsts. But, now you are going to have those without me. And hopefully next year you will have a brother or sister, and then comes preschool and then kindergarten and then....well you get the point. No longer will it just be us. Now other people are going to know you better than I know you. They are going to know your likes and dislikes and they are going to be filling me in on my own daughter......
I will miss so much cuddling on the couch in the morning. Having you "help" me put on my makeup and dry my hair and then you sitting in my chair doing your hair and makeup "all by myself". Going to the mom's playgroup with you or going to other playdates with our friends. I will miss rocking you before nap time and being the one to snuggle with you when you get up from naps. I will miss our nature walks and even going to grocery store almost daily (thank goodness we got to go early!). I know it isn't ending forever and we still have evenings and weekends, but I just don't know how that is going to be enough.
But, we will make it be enough won't we sweetie? Because you are the joy in my world. You have made me realize just how strong the word Love is. You have turned your daddy and me into the most important people in the world. Your Mommy and Daddy. I thank God for each and every day I have been able to spend with you. (And Daddy too for helping make it possible for me to be home with you). I am not looking forward to going back to work, but I know it will help out our family and I know that you will still love me, "For ever and ever and ever." I just hope that one day I won't feel like I have let you down. Thinking into the future, I know you won't even remember the past two years and you won't even remember this year to come. But I will. And I will know that everything we gave up for me to stay home with you was worth it. Because I have memories that will last a lifetime...and here you are, not even two. I can't wait for us to make more of those memories. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I can't wait to hear about all of your new friends at school, or what awesome things you did with Grandma and Gunga. I know you will be taken care of and loved. And, I have hope that it is only for a short time that I will be gone. I love you so very much my Kailey Bug, my girl whom I will not sell to the gypsies today and I am sorry for leaving you. I hope you forgive me one day.
Love for ever and ever and ever,
Your Mommy
How do I do it? How do I say goodbye to you each and every morning? How do I leave you for an entire day every day of the week? How do I tell you to have fun knowing that I am going to miss out on so much while I am gone? How do I look into your blue eyes and not tell you how much I am going to miss you all day long? Or how I know our time together as just the two of us is now going to be soo different? How do I lie to you and tell you how much fun school is going to be and how many "friends" you are going to make when I don't know that to be true? How do I entrust others with your care, to love you and hold you and be such an integral part of your life when I am not with you? I don't know the answer to that.
For the past 6 months I have ignored the feeling of dread. I have stuck my head in the sand and prayed that this day wouldn't come. Even in the past few weeks when I have tried to fit so much into our days trying to lock away the memories to get me through the next year, I have pretended that it wasn't happening. Unfortunately, tonight I had to sit down and fill out your paperwork for daycare. I was doing just fine until I got to question #4. "Tell us some special things about your child so that we can better care for her." I lost it then. I didn't know what to write. Do I tell them that you are shy at first, a real observer until you get comfortable. That you only like to play with kids when you know their names? That you always want your blanket when you are unsure of things or sad? That you hold your head down and walk away when your feelings are hurt or you are embarrassed? That you don't like bandaids, they are pirate patches? That you would rather watch everyone else eat rather than eat yourself? That you like to drink juice out of a certain cup and chocolate milk out of another? That you put yourself in time out? Or do they want to know that you like to poop before you take a nap? That you love to wash your hands? That you won't eat vegetables under any circumstance? or that you LOVE to wipe your table down with clorox wipes after you eat? Do they want to know how much you like to swing? or that playing with sticks for you is such a joy? or that you would rather play pirate than princess, but still love to wear lots of jewelry? I was frozen. I literally didn't know what to put down. I broke down crying knowing, feeling that I was letting you down. I am shipping you off to grow up without me during the day. No, I am not being melodramatic. Here is the deal.
I know that starting this week, you are starting your own journey that doesn't include me. That is selfish, I know. I mean you aren't going off to college, but you are going off. You are going to have all sorts of new experiences that no longer include me. You will fill me in the best you can, but let's face it...you aren't even two. And even with your expansive vocabulary, you often make up some doozies of stories. For the past two years I have been with you for most experiences. I have been soooo lucky to have been there for many of your firsts. But, now you are going to have those without me. And hopefully next year you will have a brother or sister, and then comes preschool and then kindergarten and then....well you get the point. No longer will it just be us. Now other people are going to know you better than I know you. They are going to know your likes and dislikes and they are going to be filling me in on my own daughter......
I will miss so much cuddling on the couch in the morning. Having you "help" me put on my makeup and dry my hair and then you sitting in my chair doing your hair and makeup "all by myself". Going to the mom's playgroup with you or going to other playdates with our friends. I will miss rocking you before nap time and being the one to snuggle with you when you get up from naps. I will miss our nature walks and even going to grocery store almost daily (thank goodness we got to go early!). I know it isn't ending forever and we still have evenings and weekends, but I just don't know how that is going to be enough.
But, we will make it be enough won't we sweetie? Because you are the joy in my world. You have made me realize just how strong the word Love is. You have turned your daddy and me into the most important people in the world. Your Mommy and Daddy. I thank God for each and every day I have been able to spend with you. (And Daddy too for helping make it possible for me to be home with you). I am not looking forward to going back to work, but I know it will help out our family and I know that you will still love me, "For ever and ever and ever." I just hope that one day I won't feel like I have let you down. Thinking into the future, I know you won't even remember the past two years and you won't even remember this year to come. But I will. And I will know that everything we gave up for me to stay home with you was worth it. Because I have memories that will last a lifetime...and here you are, not even two. I can't wait for us to make more of those memories. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I can't wait to hear about all of your new friends at school, or what awesome things you did with Grandma and Gunga. I know you will be taken care of and loved. And, I have hope that it is only for a short time that I will be gone. I love you so very much my Kailey Bug, my girl whom I will not sell to the gypsies today and I am sorry for leaving you. I hope you forgive me one day.
Love for ever and ever and ever,
Your Mommy
3 comments:
Tear. Good luck! It will be fine! I'll be thinking of you!
Liz, that was beautiful. It will be hard at first, I wont lie but you will get through it. You are a great Mom!
Liz, you are a wonderful mother. No one will ever be able to top the fun that Kailey has had and will continue to have with you. Fun times and new experiences are still ahead, they'll just occur at different times of the day. And it will be enough because you choose to make it so. Trust me - no one will ever know your child better than you do. And NO ONE can replace Mommy. Ever.
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